why me?

over the last year and a half i have been having a struggle with questioning God? it all started when my mom, dad, and i were taking a nice sunday drive on easter suday of 07. it was a beautiful day and we were just enjoying our surroundings. we were on the interstate and traffic came to an abrupt hault. when my dad hit the brakes they didnt work. he decided to go off into the median instead of hitting the car infront of us. well as we are trying to get the brakes to work we see this drop off/embankment between two bridges. so we start to panic. to this day i can still see the fence and then feel the floating feeling we got as we ramped off of it. we then hit the road below and came up the otherside a little. i just followed my first instinct and leaped from the van. i then ripped open my moms door and began to talk to them to make sure they were still responsive. i grabbed my teacup poodle from the floor because she was in my mothers lap and had hit the windshield upon impact. i grabbed her from the car and began my effort to keep her tiny frail body alive and to keep my parents responsive. it seemed like it took forever but the ambulances finally came. they rushed my parents off to the hospital and then me. my dog i handed to a lady down there and she then passed away at that moment. so we get to the hospital and i dont have to stay the night. my mom has broken her back and her sternum and my dad has broken two places in his back and had some blood clots knocked loose from his legs. this started the questioning. why me god why did this have to happen to me. about a week later i get checked out of school and driven to the hospital. my father is not doing so well. i rush into his room and see all of these new tubes and devices that he is now connected to and didnt have to have since he was very responsive the day before. they didnt know what was wrong he was just cracking jokes yesterday. it is about one in the morning now and i am called to talk to him before they take him into exploritory surgery to see what has gone wrong. i stood there with everyone else in my family in the background crying and sobbing beyond belief. i felt as though i had to be strong so i stood there and i talked and sang and read the bible to my dad until 3 in the morning. i dont know where the strength to do this without muttering a single tear came from but i know it had to be God. they took him into surgery. apparently they had missed a blood clot that had attached to his organs and was killing him on the inside out. my father passed away at six that morning. i spent he next few months in a rather deep depression. i had lost the person to make me smile when i was down. he was my humor of the day. i spent that summer not eating and becoming into an unhealthy state. i nursed my mother back to health and did everything i could for her because i knew that she was hurting too in this time. i questioned god the most in this time. Why god would you take him away from me. why wouldn't you let him see me graduate. why wouldnt you just let him move me into college or walk me down the aisle when i get married. why wouldnt you let him see his future grand children. i felt so low. i had the most awful senior year and i struggled the most. over the last summer gods plan has been in a way revealed to me. he didnt do it to hurt me. he did it for love. he showed me how strong i can be and how amazing he is to show grace through this situation. He has made me a stronger person and i have no doubt in my mind that my father is in heaven and he is watching over me. i know that he is having the time of his life up there. he gets to hang with jesus and everyone he has ever admired in his life. i know that oneday i will get to see him again and i will rejoice when that day come. you may go through times where you dont quite understand gods intentions but you just have to stay strong and let god reveal his plans to you. he does have a purpose for you in the end. i may still have my moments of questioning gods intentions but i know he did it all for a reason and he wouldnt do anything to harm me.

homesick

As a kid i never had that homesick feeling. i was always ready and willing to go anywhere for any length of time. well recently i have not been able to see my family for 3 weeks and it is really driving me crazy. i am way beyond homesick it is ridiculious. i never really realized how much my family means to me. i mean i love them more than anything but i never really relized how much i take them for granted. they are so amazing. the last time i went home my mom went out of her way to make me comfortable and i loved it. she was so amazing. she cooked for me even though she wasnt able to eat the food she made because she is on the nutrisystem diet. she threw me a birthday party. which was so much fun and allowed me the chance to see all of my really good friends. she let me sleep late which i highly appreciated since i have 8 o'clock classes every day. it was a time that i felt so relaxed. it was so hard to leave. i came back to school and lately i have been so stressed beyond wits end. i mean i havent really had MANDY time. it has been all school and rush. this weekend i have tried to spend it to myself but i think the boredom is way to overwhelming for me. i used to love to be left alone and just hang out by myself. but since i have come to mc i have found my desire for that social interaction with other people. i wish that i could be with my family and i still have 3 more weeks before i get to see them but i do enjoy the fact that my friends here are trying to make me as comfortable as ever.